The Hits Just Keep Coming

All in all, it has been a rough few months. The challenges of teaching, administration hassles, the weight of the grad school curriculum, and all the things that come with just being me have slowly been chopping my legs out. The result of all this is a general feeling of loneliness and exhaustion. Couple that with a severe spiritual drought and you have the makings of a nightmare. Of course the irony here is that I am in a program where two of the most important values are community and spirituality. Odds are at this present moment, you are either laughing hysterically or giving your computer one of the strangest blank stares (much like that last youtube video your friend's brother's cousin's former roommate just sent you...)

Now before I start to make it sound like life has been unbearably miserable, there have also been some great parts of this year. The JVs, Dominicans, and other volunteers have been a lifesaver, and the fun of living in a lively city has been great on weekends. On top of that, there are a few teachers at school and at home that have brought about small and large blessings rather frequently.

Unfortunately, one of those silver threads lining the gray clouds is being pulled out from right under my and the rest of the faculty's noses. I found out today that one of the best teachers in our school is being layed off because we don't have enough kids in the school. Not only is he an outstanding teacher, but he is the best leader and role model in the school for these kids. He has gotten me through a great many days when I was ready to crash and burn and continually teaches new ways of reaching the kids. I am absolutely crushed that he will be leaving. What's worse is that he will not be replaces...I have no idea what this means in terms of classes for next year, but I can only assume that each of us remaining will shoulder some of the burden, not to mention the possibility that this will jeopardize the possibility of teaching Algebra to a group of 8th graders and could also affect the splitting of the 7th grade classes.

Welcome back from break...

Convictions II

The battle of convictions continues as the fear of events I saw happening have indeed happened. A person whom I believed had strong convictions gave way, and now I fear the eventual toll that will have.

Now, things have gotten stranger. While I have seen these convictions fall for some, I am now also witnessing the possibility of the dreadful outcome of having not had them in the first place. The subplot in both cases is the same, one at the beginning and one at a possible ending.

I realize this is a little cryptic and without much information, but there are a number of other people whose lives are affected by these things. Their stories for now shall remain a secret.

Conflicted Conviction

Why is it that conviction always seems to make life more difficult for those with conviction and have no affect on anyone else? I am starting to get sick and tired of my convictions. It seems more and more like they are foolish and that I am the only one that still believes in some of the most old fashioned things. Not only that, but it is beginning to seem like having said convictions is a lot like trying to board a train from the front while it is traveling at you at nearly 100mph. Don't believe me? Try it sometime. But be careful. Convictions are nearly impossible to change and usually have a heavy psychological weight to them.

Of course the irony of all this is that so many people seem to be able to just drop them whenever it makes life easier...or more 'fun'

Aaaaarrrrgggghhh!!

Well....yeah

[Stage Notes:: Loafing @ cottage]
[iTunes:: Everything | Lifehouse]

Well, if there are any of you still out there, this is my November post. It does bother me that I am posting only once or twice a month. But then again I also do not like apologizing for having not writing so when I get behind I feel less and less like writing.

Life has been very, very busy. Though I suppose most people that read this could have guessed that long before even being bored enough to visit. Despite that, it has been the kind of busy that I used to dream about at gedas. Every day is more challenging than the one before it because I honestly do not know how to get students to learn. I can present material in many different ways, but that does not mean they are learning it. I wish that I could remember the ways that my teachers introduced material. While this may sound strange, it is hard to remember that there was a time that I did not know the things that I know now. Think about it though. Do you remember what it was like to learn how to multiply two digit numbers? The concept is near mind boggling to me. Go figure.

Oh well, that is part of the beauty of everything. There really is a time when we did not know things, and we are able to learn them. A process that never seems to end thankfully. For example, already today I learn that the man that founded Vassar College also founded a city of Vassar in Michigan. I also learned why some Ale's are called IPAs. Wonder what I will learn before you read this.

What have you learned that is neat or obscure lately? Please share in the comments so I know some people are still stopping by! Happy Thanksgiving!

Alive for the Moment

[Stage Notes:: Cool breeze drifting through the open window]
[iTunes:: Beneath the Surface | Souljahz]

When I was coming back from class half an hour ago, my neighbor noticed me and asked how I was doing. My response was that I am alive, for the moment. He followed up by asking what I meant by that so I explained the massive amount of work I have to do by tomorrow and hinted at the possibility of it killing me before the night is through.

We all have times like this in life when we feel like it is just One of those days. One of those days that you just might, completely hypothetically speaking, knock over both of your beverages in the cafeteria in a two minute time period...One of those Days. The days where we wish the mountain in front of us really was a mole hill, but we know the truth. The most frustrating part about these days is of course that everyone around you is inevitably having a fantastic day (or at least appear to be)

As I thought about all of this, I realized something that while it may not be particularly profound, definately hit me like a proverbial Ton of Bricks. I discovered that there is a huge difference between:

Alive, for the moment.
-and-
Alive for the moment.

Yes, I know there is a grammatical difference in that one has a comma and one does not. The realization is how dramatically the comma changes the meaning. Sound it out with me. The first one is Alive PAUSE for the moment. Very good. Now lets try the second one. Alive for the moment. Remember no comma = no pause.

Anyone else catching the difference yet? (Oh dear this is sounding to sound like I am teaching a lesson....)

Alive, for the moment, implies that soon I will not be. Alive for the moment, implies being alive for each and every moment, and that is exactly what I want to be. To feel alive in every moment and fully experience every moment. I loathe how often I miss out on moments because I am tired or just plain zoned out. From this moment on I am challenging myself to be Alive for the moment.

Are you willing to challenge yourself to do the same?

Coming Down the Mountain

[Stage Notes:: Just finished lunch; wondering]
[iTunes:: On the Road to Beautiful | Charlie Hall]

Have you ever hiked to the top of a mountain? I have been at the top of a couple of them and the hike is always brutal. When we hiked to the top of El Yunque in Puerto Rico, there were sections that had no trail and you had to hold onto various things to keep from sliding down the side of it. There was also this wonderful stuff called Razor Grass that kept the agony going when the trail was visible. The reality is that getting to the top of any mountain is tough, but then it happens. You round a corner, and climb up a few rocks, and......everything parts, and you have reached the peak. The view is breathtaking, and everything that it took to get there is worth it. You don't dare exhale because you are still trying to breathe in every ounce of the moment. The colors, the smells, and the breeze waft over you in a moment that lasts indefinitely. I took this picture at the top of El Yunque. If you can find the horizon, let me know.

Unfortunately, we eventually have to come back down from the mountain. We have to take our pictures, and drink in the last of the experience and move forward.

There are also figurative mountaintops in life. Some are spiritual, some are relational, and some are just seasons in life that we survived. Sometimes we don't even realize we are climbing a mountain, we just know that things are rough and as far as we can remember they always have been. That is of course until we suddenly find ourselves in a clearing and are knocked off of our feet by the grandness of what we are enduring.

Mexicali is for my probably one of the rarest types of mountains in my life. It is a spiritual, relational, and seasonal peak all wrapped in one. It will forever mark a turning point in my life, be it for better or worse I won't know for a little while yet. Just like any mountain top for me, I find myself walking back down with a brain full of questions and very few answers. Ultimately, it is the question 'why?'

Every morning in Mexico I woke up with purpose. At 6:00 in the morning, I had energy and desire to be awake. For once it was my body trying to tell me to sleep and my mind was crying out that we needed to be awake because there was much to do. My body ached from giving piggy back rides the day before and sleeping on the hard ground all night, and I couldn't wait to do it all over again. People opened their lives and their hearts to me and I did the same with them. I did not want to go to bed because it meant that whoever I was talking with had to stop telling me stories about who they are and why they were there. Every day I saw God move in huge ways.

Why can't every day be that way? A lot of people will just simply say, 'Well it just can't.' I say that we can no longer accept that response. I know there are people out there that wake up every day with purpose. I am fairly certain that Mother Theresa did! One thing I was reminded of this week is that we as Americans are not always right. We do not always have the best solution to everything. To believe otherwise is just plain ignorant.

Now I am starting to get angry and frustrated which means it is time to wrap this up. Unfortunately, during some of my travels in Europe, I came to realize that seeing the problems and questioning them does not change anything. Finding a solution to the questions is when things can be changed.

The theme of the week was "Do not conform any longer!" What happens when what we are conforming to is much bigger than we ever imagined?

It's That Time Again

[Stage Notes:: Restless]
[iPod:: Charlie Brown | The Coasters ]

Those of you that know me well are probably going to get about half way through this post and say to yourselves, "For crying out loud, I thought we were past this." Guess again, and try and help me out, it is far more productive!

For the rest of you, Hi.

The variables:
X = It is the end of March
Y = I am restless
Z = I am embarking on a trip that will no doubt be very meaningful.

X + Y + Z = Crisis time. Granted, Y has been more or less a constant ever since I graduated and realized I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. Unfortunately, that realization was not combined with the immediate understanding of what I am supposed to do. Thomas Jefferson once said, "I have not had 999 failures. I have found 999 ways how not to make an electric light bulb."

Well, check Engineering and Application Support off the list, now what are the other 998 possibilities? Hmm, somehow I do not think I have the time to try out 1000 careers. If I did each one for 3 weeks, It would take me 57 years and 36 weeks just to get done with my trials. I'll be 81 years old an just starting my career. When would I get to retire???

Heck, yesterday I started thinking about just trying to find really awesome seasonal jobs and float from job to job for a while. It would probably make for an interesting book down the road, and I would have no shortage of pictures to show for my time.

I think one of my problems is that the job I wish I could do, I just cannot do. Seriously. I know what you are all thinking, "You can't do it now, but with some classes and hard work, you can do anything." If education were the only problem then I would agree whole heartedly, but that is not the big problem. If I could do anything, I would be a doctor. Yes, I know, I hate doctors, but I would still be one.

Confused yet? Stay with me. The job of a doctor or even a nurse has pretty much the characteristics of my ideal job. Lots of interaction with different types of people, creative problem solving, passion, meaning. Enter the problem; I have a very weak stomach. I have been doing MDA camp for 8 years and there are still fairly basic things that are very difficult for me to do. I wish I could, but I just cannot seem to get over it. I even have to turn away during parts of Grey's Anatomy or ER.

What does that leave me? Well if nursing and doctoring are out, take another 6 weeks off of the total. Just 57 years, 30 weeks and 994 careers left to try.