K A B O O M

NOT

HAVING

A

GOOD

DAY.

END POST

Big Shoes

It's only been one day since finding out that my friend and in all reality, mentor will be forced to leave. However, with each passing moment, I see the growing chasm that will need to be dealt with next year. He is the community and trust builder of the staff. I am not sure if the rest of the middle school is going to be willing to change to fill the void which means I will need to. I am just not really sure if I am ready for that.

Don't get me wrong, being that person is certainly one of my goals, but I did not want this yet. I wanted to learn from him for another year and learn to teach for another year. Go figure that with as much as my faith has been struggling this year, I am going to have to give up even more control that I never had, and trust in something that has been weakened--my faith, not His strength.

The good thing is that I had a crazy brainstorming session tonight about next year. While I came up with some good stuff, it is not the only time I have had brainstorms. The bigger problem has been implementation. Odds are this is a confidence issue (why are you laughing and nodding your head...I can see you...)

Bottom line, growing up stinks...stepping out in faith is incredibly difficult...combining the two...well, you get the idea.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the ways I need to change,
the courage to be a difference maker,
and the confidence to walk in faith!

Note to self:: Philippians !:6

The Hits Just Keep Coming

All in all, it has been a rough few months. The challenges of teaching, administration hassles, the weight of the grad school curriculum, and all the things that come with just being me have slowly been chopping my legs out. The result of all this is a general feeling of loneliness and exhaustion. Couple that with a severe spiritual drought and you have the makings of a nightmare. Of course the irony here is that I am in a program where two of the most important values are community and spirituality. Odds are at this present moment, you are either laughing hysterically or giving your computer one of the strangest blank stares (much like that last youtube video your friend's brother's cousin's former roommate just sent you...)

Now before I start to make it sound like life has been unbearably miserable, there have also been some great parts of this year. The JVs, Dominicans, and other volunteers have been a lifesaver, and the fun of living in a lively city has been great on weekends. On top of that, there are a few teachers at school and at home that have brought about small and large blessings rather frequently.

Unfortunately, one of those silver threads lining the gray clouds is being pulled out from right under my and the rest of the faculty's noses. I found out today that one of the best teachers in our school is being layed off because we don't have enough kids in the school. Not only is he an outstanding teacher, but he is the best leader and role model in the school for these kids. He has gotten me through a great many days when I was ready to crash and burn and continually teaches new ways of reaching the kids. I am absolutely crushed that he will be leaving. What's worse is that he will not be replaces...I have no idea what this means in terms of classes for next year, but I can only assume that each of us remaining will shoulder some of the burden, not to mention the possibility that this will jeopardize the possibility of teaching Algebra to a group of 8th graders and could also affect the splitting of the 7th grade classes.

Welcome back from break...

Convictions II

The battle of convictions continues as the fear of events I saw happening have indeed happened. A person whom I believed had strong convictions gave way, and now I fear the eventual toll that will have.

Now, things have gotten stranger. While I have seen these convictions fall for some, I am now also witnessing the possibility of the dreadful outcome of having not had them in the first place. The subplot in both cases is the same, one at the beginning and one at a possible ending.

I realize this is a little cryptic and without much information, but there are a number of other people whose lives are affected by these things. Their stories for now shall remain a secret.

three fourths

Wow.

The third quarter is over. Just one quarter left to teach these kids as much as possible. That's really only about 8 weeks. I really do not even know how to describe the ridiculousness of that. In just 8 weeks I will have survived the first year. Amazing.

Unfortunately it also means a ton of work to do in the next two weeks for ACE. Not so much fun. A major unit plan and another ed psych paper. Ah well, back to work.

Conflicted Conviction

Why is it that conviction always seems to make life more difficult for those with conviction and have no affect on anyone else? I am starting to get sick and tired of my convictions. It seems more and more like they are foolish and that I am the only one that still believes in some of the most old fashioned things. Not only that, but it is beginning to seem like having said convictions is a lot like trying to board a train from the front while it is traveling at you at nearly 100mph. Don't believe me? Try it sometime. But be careful. Convictions are nearly impossible to change and usually have a heavy psychological weight to them.

Of course the irony of all this is that so many people seem to be able to just drop them whenever it makes life easier...or more 'fun'

Aaaaarrrrgggghhh!!

TGIF

I am not sure where the saying TGIF came from, all I know is that I am living for it right now. I cannot help but remember Friday night being a night in front of the TV...till 10, which was bed time, watching Full House, Perfect Strangers, Family Matters, Step by Step. Ahh those were the days.

A Light in Dark Places

Rolling...

Well, it appears that spring has most definitely sprung in the southern states...at least for a little while. Sorry all of you up north buried under snow and winter.

All in all, life has been just a bit crazier than normal. On top of the teaching schedule, we ACErs have started an educational psychology class, which equates to lots of reading (120ish pages of psych articles & studies) and then synthesize, expound on, and reflect on in less that 6 pages. Teachers are insane...I can say that with great amount of certainty.

In truth, I have been getting a little burned out. Motivation has been at an all time low, though on the bright side of things, we have started working on the spring plays. Two drastically one act shows that should make for a very interesting night of theatre. We will go from a slightly too realistic comedy about some out of control kids in class, to a hard hitting drama about being a prodigal daughter. It will be a little strange being behind the scenes, but no doubt quite eye opening.

Tuesday Tidbits

[Stage Notes:: Slight Chill in the House, Starting a Movie]
[TV:: Rent | Rent]

A few random stories about today. Oh hush up, yes this is another blog already. Deal with it :oP

[1] The backstory:: On my way to lunch I came across a collection of first graders in the hallway waiting on classmates to finish their bathroom breaks. I very politely asked Ms. G if that was her kids making all of the noise because they all know that they should be quiet. After a brief conversation with the kids I continued on my way.

Fast Forward:: An hour before the end of the school day. I am again walking down the hallway to see a crew of first graders in the hallway once again being a little noisier than they should be so I decided to have a little fun. I walked closer with my my hand to my ear making it very apparent that I was listening to all of the noise they were making. Ms. G. then asked my to go into the room to see the 'stoplight'. For those that are not familiar with primary education, the 'stoplight' is a chart for behavior where students start on green and each time they get in trouble the move from green to yellow and then on to red and blue if necessary. If you get to blue, it was a very bad day...

Anywho, Ms. G. tells me to go in and see how many reds and blues there were so I did. As I walked out of the classroom, I put on my best 'I am very sad and disappointed face' and told the entire first grade that I was very unhappy. Then I proceeded to ask the students why they were having so much trouble today...Silence...the kind of silence that Teachers dream of having in a classroom. After some prodding from Ms. G. I finally got a response to my question, and was rather taken aback at the honesty of the response. One first grader informed me that they were excited and had a lot of energy today and that they were not listening. After a very short discussion about when excitement is good and when it needs to be stifled, I turned and walked away.

It is fun dealing with other teachers students :D Your own students...well not so much.

[2] School is over and the kindergarten and first graders are taking a bathroom break before the start of after care:: There are a few kindergarten boys that are absolutely fascinated by me. They are a lot of fun to get a little riled up and leave (no one ever said that teachers are always nice to each other ;) ) In fact one of these same boys was laying on the floor and tried to use my leg as a pillow...getting back on track...so I am giving the kids high fives and listening to them when suddenly my arms were latched onto by two boys and they began very thorough examinations of my arms. The first boy asked, "What are the brown spots on your arms?" After a moment of mild shock, I announced to the curious boys that they were in fact freckles. It never occurred to me that they would not know what they are. My new internal debate is if this is a result of them being all of maybe five years old or if it is because they are African American. They're second question was similar but not quite as thought provoking, "Why are some the hairs on your arms blond and some black?"

That's all for now

Well....yeah

[Stage Notes:: Loafing @ cottage]
[iTunes:: Everything | Lifehouse]

Well, if there are any of you still out there, this is my November post. It does bother me that I am posting only once or twice a month. But then again I also do not like apologizing for having not writing so when I get behind I feel less and less like writing.

Life has been very, very busy. Though I suppose most people that read this could have guessed that long before even being bored enough to visit. Despite that, it has been the kind of busy that I used to dream about at gedas. Every day is more challenging than the one before it because I honestly do not know how to get students to learn. I can present material in many different ways, but that does not mean they are learning it. I wish that I could remember the ways that my teachers introduced material. While this may sound strange, it is hard to remember that there was a time that I did not know the things that I know now. Think about it though. Do you remember what it was like to learn how to multiply two digit numbers? The concept is near mind boggling to me. Go figure.

Oh well, that is part of the beauty of everything. There really is a time when we did not know things, and we are able to learn them. A process that never seems to end thankfully. For example, already today I learn that the man that founded Vassar College also founded a city of Vassar in Michigan. I also learned why some Ale's are called IPAs. Wonder what I will learn before you read this.

What have you learned that is neat or obscure lately? Please share in the comments so I know some people are still stopping by! Happy Thanksgiving!

Bum, bum, BUUMMMMM

[Stage Notes:: Sitting at my desk, papers everywhere]

Well, the day has come that students dread. It is the day that happens only twice in each school year, and no student in the history of the world has ever truely looked forward to today. Most are merely glad to survive it, and all of them say their prayers the night before. I can remember that it was a day that always landed me in some sort of trouble...Have you guessed what it is?

Conferences...[Cue very dramatic music:: Bum, bum, BUUMMMMM]

It is a very peculiar feeling sitting on this side of my first ever conference day. I have never actually witnessed what goes on in conferences. Students in my schools were not privy to the event...not that any of us really wanted to be there when that thing we did on the second day of school was recounted in great detail despite the 2 months that have passed since the event. However, at this school we have what are called student led conferences. That's right, student lead. I have absolutely no idea how this is going to go, but the odds are, there will be tears. Well I better go, they start in 5 minutes.

Waaahhh?

[Stage Notes:: Watching TV, procrastinating the work that needs to be done]
[TV:: M.A.S.H.]

Today was a day quite unlike any other. It started off pretty miserable. I was tired and did not really have anything planned for the day other than doing what I did not finish on Friday. When I arrived at school things did not get much better. As it was, I had 4 sets of lesson plans, 2 tests, a reflection, and a few other things to get done by tomorrow. I was hoping to use some free periods to get started since I was far too tired last night to do it. While I was preparing for the first class, I was informed that I was substituting for the Religion teacher during one of my two free periods! Then I checked my e-mail and found out about 4 additional things I need to get done for tomorrow. You can imagine how my early classes went...

By the time lunch rolled around I was officially not having a good day. As I was walking back from eating my abbreviated lunch, I discovered that there was a student in my classroom working on an assignment that he hadn't done. From there it was on to the Religion class. When I went in, I assumed I would find a sub folder that would allow me to just give them some work and then they could use the rest of the class as study hall...I assumed....I was wrong. The folder had been relocated. Once I tracked it down, I discovered they had already done all of the work that was in the folder!! Naturally I was ecstatic. I had the kids start reading out of Ephesians and planned to have them summarize what they read and explain what Paul was writing. Then came to the startling conclusion they had no idea what they were reading. From that point on I launched into a 30 minute theology lesson on the start of nation of Israel and the Law. That ones that tuned in were riveted. It was very apparent that they had never heard most of these things before and they were astonished that some things were in the bible.

That was a kind of turning point in the day. My last class did not exactly go fantastic, but it did not go badly either. I was able to get some lesson planning done after class and even was asked to tutor a teacher who wants to go back for her Phd. I worked a little after class and then decided to come home. I talked with Elizabeth for a bit before leaving and then got in the car and started the path home. This is when things really got interesting.

I couldn't help noticing that the clouds were a little funny. There were several big white fluffy clouds and an almost equal number of weighty grey ones. Perhaps not all that strange to begin with, but there were also large patches of big blue sky. It was like the weather did not know what to do with itself so it was having a little of everything. By this time I had made it onto the freeway which was flooded with sunlight despite the odd assortment of cloud formations. Then out of the corner of my eyes I saw something that looked like the rays of sun that sometimes break their way throught the clouds. There were only two problems. First of all, they were rather grey in color against the bluish sky that was their background instead of a startling bright color. The second, and perhaps even stranger was that they appeared to be perfectly vertical...that is perfectly perpendicular to the ground. They did not angle their way back towards the sun.

Unfortunately I could not really tell if they were actually there or if they were a figment of my imagination. They were the sort of thing that you could not look directly at to see. Like a well camouflaged creature that you can only see when it moves. When looking straight at it, the colors just blended into the sky, but from the side, it was like looking closely at a pair of pants. At first you only see the color, then you see the threads that actually make the pants. This section of sky was the same way. There almost appeared to be hundreds of barely visible threads hanging in the sky. The thing is, I couldn't see where they started, and every time I tried to look closely, they would disappear altogether. Of course it didn't help that I was on the freeway.

I soon changed freeways and started to drive towards the gossamer threads that from my peripheral vision seemed to stretch clear to the sky. Now, up to this point, I started to have a hunch of what it could have been but at the same time I was not exactly sure it was possible. It would just be too darn cartoonish. It would be if it weren't exactly what it was. As I drove a little further, I saw the sure sign that it was exactly what I thought it was. I could see in the midst of the greyish, vertical, strands, the faintest rainbow. That's right, a rainbow!

I was watching rain fall the entire way from a grey cloud to the earth. It was unbelievable!!! I wish I could have pulled off an taken a picture, but my camera was at home. Truly a once in a lifetime experience.

Bat Dogs and Britney Spears

[Stage Notes:: Worn out]
[TV:: Home Improvement]

Normally I might type out an apology about not having written in a while, but lets face it, at this point it is just kinda obvious that change is most likely not going to happen. Truth is, I just haven't felt much like blogging. I do not even really know what to say.

My days tend to have the same basic structure to them. Get up, go to school, teach, each lunch, teach more, stay after school, come home, attempt to get things done, go to bed too late with not enough done, and repeat in the morning. I know that sounds rather bland and dull, and in truth the days are anything but when I am at school, but I do not know how best to convey everything that has been happening. At the end of next week, the first quarter will be over. Completely finished. 1/4 of my first year as a teacher will be done and I will have used 1/4 of the time that I have with the eighth grade. We actually thought one of the kids was going to be withdrawn this week, but fortunately he is still here. I think the best thing for him would be for him to stay the entire year, but his past and some of the drama that the girls are creating as a result of him have been making things difficult.

Outside of school, the last few weeks have been a blur of craziness with meeting new people and trying to get to know the area. I have been spending a lot of time with the JVCs, Dominican & Clarician volunteers. We have been to Stone Mountain for the laser show, worked at a fund raiser for the Sullivan Center, and gone to a couple Theology on Tap events.

Before I go, I thought I would share a couple of the more fun happenings:

One day when I was coming home from school, I was driving on the freeway and happened to notice a car ahead with a dog hanging its head out the window. Normally there would be absolutely nothing out of the ordinary about this except that in this case the dog was wearing goggles. Yup, that's right, goggles. They even looked custom made.

A few weeks ago I decided to get a haircut, and as per my usual, I chopped a bunch of hair off and cut it short (P.S. when I went to get my haircut, Kate and Elizabeth went as well. Between two hairdressers they had us all done in 20 minutes flat). Flash forward to the next day. When students come into the middle school, they come down a set of stairs that leads directly to my room, and when I looked up, there was a crowd surrounding my door. My haircut managed to set the whole middle school into a mild chaos. Kids would come to my door stare blankly, walk away to tell someone, and come back again. Mrs. D had to shoo the kids away. At the end of the day, I found out that some kids told Mrs. Abby that quote "Mr. Hepper went Britney Spears on us!"

Welcome to middle school!

Reporting Progress...

[Stage Notes:: Piles of papers strewn across the couches]
[TV:: Titanic]

Well, time has been flying by. As my friends and fellow teachers in Michigan await the start of their school years at the end of this Labor Day weekend, I am preparing progress report grades. That's right, I am almost half way through my first quarter. It still feels like I just started, though with each passing day, the summer at ND seems to be fading further and further into history. All in all, things are going fairly well.

The biggest surprise of this journey has been the people that I have met and the other volunteer organizations I have found out about. Yesterday I spent the day hanging out with my roommate, some people that are a part of the Jesuit Volunteer Corp and a Dominican Volunteer. Prior to yesterday, I really had never heard of either program. It is amazing to meet so many people that are so concerned with social justice. Our dinner conversation lasted for close to two hours discussing what each of us considers to be the biggest social justice issue of our generation. Of course then the night progressed into talking about being new to Atlanta and playing games of all sorts.

Well I just wanted to say hello because I have not been writing much. Now I must continue with my school work and prepare for the festivities of the next two days.

P.S. To all of my MDA family, I am sorry I cannot be there with you at all of the events going on today and tomorrow. Sadly I do not even get to see any of you on TV, but I will be watching the telethon and thinking of you :)

Two Weeks and Two Days...

[Stage Notes:: Friday Night, Sitting on the couch with a half graded stack of 6th grade homework, not paying attention to the movie]
[TV:: The Fellowship of the Ring]

Ladies and Gentlemen, two things are official at this moment. The first is that I am back after a short hiatus. We did not have internet at the house until last week so any form of an update was made rather difficult. Unfortunately, that means I became so backlogged in terms of what I needed/wanted to share, that I did not know where to start and so wrote nothing. I have come to the decision that the best place to start is in fact at the end because if I start at the beginning, we will never get to the present which means another eventual hiatus.

The second thing that is quite official is that I am, in fact, a teacher. Yup, if for some reason you have been out of the loop, I am a teacher. In the interest of confidentiality, I will never use the names of the students or even the name of the school. If you want to know that stuff, contact me directly and I can tell you. However, so you know when I am referring to it I shall either call it SPC or simply 'The Clave' (This one is not my own, it was passed on from a former ACEer that taught at 'the clave'.

All in all, I cannot believe how quickly the time is moving! It is hard to believe that by the end of next week, I will have been in the ACE program for nearly 3 months!! Think about that! The time in the classroom disappears so quickly. I am still working on getting everything covered that I want to and making sure that I can see where the students are at. I really do not remember teachers doing assessments anywhere near as often as I find myself needing to do. It really is quite intriguing to see what they are understanding and what they are not. As I am grading things, I am often astounded at how much trouble they are having with 'review' material. Unfortunately, this school as a whole does quite poorly in math on the standardized tests and they have made it quite clear that their goal is to get scores up. Every staff meeting it is talked about how poorly they are doing and that everyone needs to be teaching math stuff (vocab, logical reasoning, problem solving, etc.) None the less, I felt like a huge weight was being dropped directly on me to 'save the math program'. Perhaps that is a bit of an exaggeration, but in my defense, when you have a week until the first time you will ever have your own students, the last thing that you want to hear is that the students score in the 20th percentile on math.

Oh well, it is what it is and I find it is creating some interesting scenarios in class. However, I will save those for the times when they come up. I really just wanted to say that I am still alive and have been in the class room for two weeks and two days. That is all for now, but at least the draught is more or less over with :)

Oh and just so you know, on Wednesday, we broke the all time record for heat in Atlanta at 104 degrees Fahrenheit......knock off that snickering, I can see you from here :-P

All ABOARD!!!!

[Stage Notes:: Tired, Sitting in my room burning one last disk of pictures]
[Noise:: Fans blowing]

Well, I am going to bed now. The car is packed and I am just about ready to go. One last night of sleep in the comforts of home and then the adventure begins. In a few hours, I will wake up and get in the car and drive. Then I will drive some more. A lot more. I will stop and get some food, and then I will continue with the driving.

It is funny to think that when I was little, I could not stand being in the car for more than about a half hour. I would get car sick if I read anything, so on the occasion I got to sit near the cigarette lighter I would play the one and only game system that I ever owned, Sega Game Gear, and then I was ok for a little longer. It was so bad, that the longest driving vacation my family ever took was to Virginia Beach. Florida was out of the question and meant flying.

In the last few years, my desire to travel and experience anything I can has had me in cars for multiple days. I have made 3 round trips to Florida since 2004 and been to countless places in between. Now for the first time I will make the drive alone to Georgia. It has with it all the makings of the first chapter of an adventure novel. Large amounts of unknown, something planned that can just barely be defined, plenty of literal and figurative road blocks, and of course venturing out to do something alone...well not entirely alone, just the driving part, and of course being the only teacher in the classroom. Well, I guess this is the part where the prologue ends and the story begins....

Screaching Halt

[Stage Notes:: Sitting on the couch at home; drained]
[TV:: 10 Deadliest Sharks]

Well, it looks like I have once again fallen into the habit of not blogging when things get busy. For the record, when I say busy, I mean teacing in the morning, classes in the afternoon, and homework until the single digit numbers make their return to the digital clocks. Fortunately, the first semester has come to an end and I am very much still alive. For the moment, I find myself at home trying to get everything in order for the start of the next adventure which starts Tuesday.

Yes, that is right, Tuesday. That is when I start the long drive down 75 to ATL. Wednesday I meet with the principal of the school and find out everyting else about the school and my responsibilites there. For the moment, I am both nervous and excited, but I have so much to do that I do not have a great deal of time to dwell on what is coming ahead. Well, that is about all for now. I will try to write more frequently because I am sure as classes start I will have a ton of stories. However, I am not going to promise to write more because I don't want to disappoint you :)

How Precious is the Flow...

[Stage Notes:: There is no word in the english language for how I feel]

Come now, let us reason togethor, says the Lord:
though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow,
though they are red like crimson,
they shall become like wool.
--Isaiah 1:18

Rather than say much, just reflect with me on how incredible a promise that really is. Goodnight.

Alive for the Moment

[Stage Notes:: Cool breeze drifting through the open window]
[iTunes:: Beneath the Surface | Souljahz]

When I was coming back from class half an hour ago, my neighbor noticed me and asked how I was doing. My response was that I am alive, for the moment. He followed up by asking what I meant by that so I explained the massive amount of work I have to do by tomorrow and hinted at the possibility of it killing me before the night is through.

We all have times like this in life when we feel like it is just One of those days. One of those days that you just might, completely hypothetically speaking, knock over both of your beverages in the cafeteria in a two minute time period...One of those Days. The days where we wish the mountain in front of us really was a mole hill, but we know the truth. The most frustrating part about these days is of course that everyone around you is inevitably having a fantastic day (or at least appear to be)

As I thought about all of this, I realized something that while it may not be particularly profound, definately hit me like a proverbial Ton of Bricks. I discovered that there is a huge difference between:

Alive, for the moment.
-and-
Alive for the moment.

Yes, I know there is a grammatical difference in that one has a comma and one does not. The realization is how dramatically the comma changes the meaning. Sound it out with me. The first one is Alive PAUSE for the moment. Very good. Now lets try the second one. Alive for the moment. Remember no comma = no pause.

Anyone else catching the difference yet? (Oh dear this is sounding to sound like I am teaching a lesson....)

Alive, for the moment, implies that soon I will not be. Alive for the moment, implies being alive for each and every moment, and that is exactly what I want to be. To feel alive in every moment and fully experience every moment. I loathe how often I miss out on moments because I am tired or just plain zoned out. From this moment on I am challenging myself to be Alive for the moment.

Are you willing to challenge yourself to do the same?